Language Boosting Tips: A good read - explains why your teacher likes lame jokes

See if you can build your own, and attach it to the thread. Might be a nice addition to a debate, speech, or rant.

Lexophile & Paraprosdokians

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for punning wordplay, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is supposedly held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

          

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U. C. L. A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care centre  where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

.. And the cream of the wretched crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.  Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

12. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

13. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:  
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

ELECTION RESULTS:When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

 THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS